Children don’t come with how-to manuals. Parents are often at the mercy of trial and error in regard to their parenting techniques.

Since both children and parents are individuals, these techniques must constantly be tailored and updated based on both personality and age appropriateness. But, the one compulsory parenting technique that must present from toddler-hood to adulthood is the setting of boundaries.

Boundaries are the foundation for raising a well-mannered and confident child that will go grow into a well-mannered and confident adult. The mastery of setting age appropriate boundaries will go a very long way in making family life a much happier experience for everyone.

I'm sure we've all at one time or another encountered children whose parents lacked knowledge in regard to setting boundaries… these children are generally rude, disrespectful, and disruptive at nearly every encounter.

A great characterization of children with no boundaries would be Roald Dahl’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” How brilliantly he developed his ensemble of children that were given no boundaries… the spoiled Veruca that learned if she yelled enough she could have her way, Mike Teavee that was allowed to turn his brain to jello watching endless hours of TV, Augustus, the boy allowed every culinary indulgence that struck his fancy, and let’s not forget the gum smacking Violet… It’s almost a “how not to raise your kid guide” and the one consistent parental flaw: not setting boundaries for their children.

I remember a conversation I had once with an incredible child psychiatrist by the name of Dr. Deborah Langenbacher… and the statement I remember most was, “boundaries make a child feel safe.” She continued by explaining that from a child’s perspective, the world was large, unpredictable, and sometimes overwhelming and boundaries were key in making their immediate world more predictable and secure.

Not setting boundaries does a great injustice to the child. If the child does not know how to behave properly, dissension will follow them wherever they go… at home, at school, with friends, public places, etc… and children will eventually sense that many people prefer not to be around them. This can be extremely damaging to the development of their self-esteem.

In fact, ironically enough, some well-meaning parents that refuse to correct their child’s inappropriate behavior do so under the mistaken premise that to correct the child would be to undermine the development of their self-esteem, when in reality just the opposite is true.

These households tend to allow inappropriate behavior to repeat over and over to the point that the parents themselves finally lose self-control and can have angry outbursts. This is confusing for the child. Why wouldn’t it be? This is the fiftieth time they did this and nothing ever happened, so what’s the problem this time? Will the child repeat the behavior again after a parental outburst? Absolutely. Why? Because the lesson learned was sometimes mom and/or dad get really mad, and that does not necessarily correlate in their minds to the behavior that was inappropriate being an ignition switch. So, in this scenario we have both a lack of boundaries and an inconsistent, inappropriate, and ineffective consequence.

When setting boundaries, it’s important to keep in mind the following:

Boundaries should be reasonable, age appropriate, and always consistent. If there is no consistency, there is no boundary. Boundaries need to be thought through, discussed, and enforced jointly by both parents.

Boundaries must be clearly defined and easily understood by the child. All children will test boundaries, it’s a natural part of development. So long as the boundaries stay solid and consistent, the children will eventually and usually quickly stop testing them.

When a child has crossed the boundary line, there must be a reasonable and consistent consequence. A boundary means nothing without a consequence and let’s face it, if this lesson is not taught by the loving guidance of parents, life will teach a child this lesson in a much more severe way.

Consequences should reflect the severity of the inappropriate behavior. If it’s a one time slip-up on a small offense such as interrupting, all that may be needed is a simple verbal reminder…"It's not polite to interrupt." If it’s more serious or habitual, then the consequence must be memorable enough that the behavior won’t be repeated.

It’s important to give some thought as to what your own personal selection of consequences should be for your child. Immediate removal from an activity or play date, the temporary loss of privileges, removing a toy, time outs etc…just teach the important lesson that what they are doing is not OK. Also, consider coming up with different levels of consequences. For example, if this behavior happens it’s an “x” consequence, if the behavior happens again it’s a “y” consequence and so forth.

Be aware that a verbal warning will have no effect unless the inappropriate behavior has had prior consequences firmly established. (Think Pavlov.) For example, if a child has previously been removed from a birthday due to inappropriate behavior and later at another birthday party begins to exhibit inappropriate behavior, chances are that if you tell that child to stop or we’ll leave, they will take you seriously and behave. On the other hand, if the child has never experienced a consequence prior, it’s unlikely that a verbal warning will have any effect.

Of course, the best time to begin the use of boundaries is when children are very small around the time they are just becoming toddlers. These boundaries would be simple and primarily about safety. As the child grows, parents need to acquire new age appropriate boundaries, which should be implemented as the inappropriate behavior occurs. (Keep in mind that what may be an amusing behavior from a two year old, may not at all be amusing in a couple years.)

If a child is older and has never been given boundaries, the task is more difficult and requires more attention, but is not impossible. Although, beginning boundaries with older children will initially require more effort, not setting them is without a doubt the far more difficult path in the long run.

All children yearn to feel safe and know what’s expected of them and giving your child the means to do this will help them have a secure and well-adjusted life. A life which can bring them positive interaction with their parents, friends, teachers, and most importantly themselves.